Hello everyone. I didn’t post this as a blog because I prefer to do my blogs at night when my days ended and what not, but there’s something I just needed to talk about. So I decided to do it as another page. So here we begin.
Those that know me the most and who are closest to me know that I suffer from severe anxiety disorder and mild panic attacks. As anyone who suffers from these conditions would know, it can have huge impacts on your life, usually negative. I’ve found in my life that I have my logical brain that knows the answers to things and is never paranoid, and then there’s anxiety. It takes over you and makes you feel trapped inside your own mind. It’s the most helpless feeling in the world, you just wish you could break free and not have this demon of a thing holding you back. It does horrible things, it makes you say things you don’t mean, it makes you hate yourself, and most unfortunately it sometimes makes you hurt or upset the ones you love the most. Unfortunately, most of Erik and I’s arguments stem from my anxiety, he understands I don’t mean to get upset over the things that I do, but sometimes he can’t help but get upset because it’s something so stupid or petty, and he has every right to get upset. Now I still stick by what I said, arguments are always beneficial, well usually, you just have to be able to find the positive piece of the argument or what you’ve benefited from it other than stress relief and some amazing “times” afterwards. 😉 But as someone with anxiety, even after the argument is done, you still feel like the worst person in the world for a bit. It takes a lot to get you cheered up again. The sad thing is, it’s not a choice to stay that upset for so long, it’s not a choice to freak out over stupid things, it’s not a choice to be trapped inside your own mind and hurt people or upset them, it’s not a choice to have anxiety. I know I should probably get on some type of medication for it, and I will. I just have to wait until I’m off of the medication I’m on for a different problem right now. But the point of this is not if you should or shouldn’t be on medication, it’s to talk about how hard it is to have anxiety for those who don’t understand or for those who just need someone to relate to.
Having anxiety can lead to you asking questions that you don’t actually want to know the answers to. You’re anxiety wants the answers and you have no choice but to give in because if you don’t, it will constantly be on your mind. Having anxiety can cause you to worry about things that don’t matter, things that are not important at all. Yet you still worry. Anxiety makes you feel like you’re a defective person. Like somethings wrong with you and that you’re not as good as you could be. Anxiety makes you say or do stupid things and when you’re done, it leaves, and it’s just you and your logical mind to sit there and think of what you’ve done. Then you feel like the worst person ever because you can’t believe you’d do or say something that stupid, and anyone that knows how I feel knows that the amount of guilt and the amount of apologetic thoughts you feel through out you are indescribable. You just wish you could take it all back because it was not YOU that said those things, it was an irrational fear you had taking over you. For those of you who may read this and don’t understand anxiety or are in a relationship with someone who does have it, please don’t hold it against people. People with anxiety, especially those who aren’t medicated, don’t mean it. It’s just something unfortunate due to an irrational fear caused by something. And trust me, from my experience anyways, I’m more sorry than I could ever express to anyone when I have an anxiety attack or freak out. So I’m going to assume most other people are too. I’m just lucky I have the most understanding man in the world to be by my side forever and to understand I don’t mean it. He is my hero.
That bring us to the other point of this post. Which is to apologize to Erik for everything to do with my anxiety and to thank him and show him the credit he deserves and the acknowledgments he deserves for putting up with me. Erik my baby, I am so sorry for all the anxiety I have, I’m sorry I freak out over little things and I’m sorry for the things I do but trust and believe in me when I say I’m doing my best to work on it and to be better. I really truly am my love. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you baby, you’re my everything, my world, and I’m doing my best to work on this. My love, I just want to thank you so very much for understanding that I don’t mean it but also being stern with me and correcting me when I’m freaking out over something irrelevant. You’re just so amazing. I’m sorry for upsetting you when I do but I understand why you get upset my love. I just want you to know I absolutely appreciate everything you do for me, and I’d be nothing without you. You saved my life Erik, gave me reason to live, and I can never thank you enough for that. Just thank you thank you thank you so much for everything baby. Thank you for being so understanding and not holding my anxiety against me. Just thank you for being the amazing, best, most perfect man that you are. I love you more than anything or anyone, more than all the stars in the universe, and more than life itself my love, absolutely forever and always. 🙂 <3<3<3<3
So in conclusion to this, I just want everyone with anxiety to know that : You’re not alone, it’s ok, and you will make it through anxiety. Don’t let your anxiety control you, get help if you need it, and don’t hate yourself. You’re a wonderful person and those closest to you love you no matter what. Never forget that. But most importantly, don’t lose yourself. Continue to be who you are and try to be happy. One day you’ll hopefully be anxiety free, but if not, just learn to look past it and live your life happily. So that’s the end of this. I hope this helps anyone who reads. Remember, don’t ever think you’re not loved because somebody out there does love you.
Now I’m going to add a song that I think relates to people with anxiety, it’s not the happiest tune of a song but the lyrics are inspiring and it’s a great song.